Picked him up in a night club. He Looked like a woman. Smelled like a woman. Danced like a woman.
Even kissed like a woman, but as we arrived back at his apartment he reversed his car into a tight parking slot in one fluid movement!
That's when I thought -Hang on just a minute!
I saw my mate Charlie this morning, he's only got one arm bless him.
I shouted - Where you off to Charlie?
He said, I'm off to change a light bulb.
Well I just cracked up, couldn't stop laughing, then said,
- That's gonna be a bit awkward init?
- Not really. he said. I still have the receipt, you insensitive idiot.
Boy comes home and tells his parents he has just had sex for the first
time.
The proud Dad says 'I'll buy you a bike to celebrate, but you will have
to wait until next pay day"
The boy replies 'that's alright Dad, my a++e is too sore to ride it anyway'
Had my first Gig as a stand up comedian at an old people's home last
night.
They didn't get any of my jokes but they still wet themselves.
Essex girl in bed with her boyfriend says, 'How dare you call me a
slapper, get out of my bed right now and take your mates with
you'
I was at Tesco this afternoon, when a lady dropped dead in front of me,
I felt really sorry for her - she had just bought a Bag for Life.
Teacher says to little Tommy 'Why weren't you at school yesterday?'
Tommy says 'My grandfather got burnt' Teacher says 'Badly?' Little Tommy
says 'Yes, they don't muck about at the crematorium.'
A friend of mine says he is making love to twins, I said ' How can you
tell the difference?' He said ' Her brother has got a moustache".
A charity pantomime in aid of Paranoid Schizophrenics and Homosexuals
descended into chaos yesterday when somebody shouted 'He's behind you!'
