TRUE STORY!
While I was driving down the A47 the other day (going a little faster than I should have been), I passed under a bridge only to see a copper on the other side with a radar gun laying in wait. His mate, waiting in the layby further down the road, pulled me over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk asked:
'Runway too short?'
To which I replied: 'I'm late for work.'
To which he asked: 'What do you do?'
I responded: 'I'm a rectum stretcher'
The copper was surprised and confused: 'A rectum stretcher, and just what does a rectum stretcher do?'
'Well,' I said, 'I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in, work side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch the hole, until it's about 6 feet.'
Then the copper asked questioningly and cautiously : 'And just what do you do with a six-foot arsehole?'
To which I politely replied : 'You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge.'
Speeding ticket: £60.00
Penalty Points : 3
Court costs: £45
Look on copper's face: Priceless.
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Self explanatory
Moderator: Simple
Self explanatory
Brings a whole new meaning to Bumf***ed that one 
